The Governator... what?

This thing is either one of the best jokes out there, or one of the single worst ideas in history for a cartoon.

This, put simply, cannot be real. It's Saturday Morning Watchmen, it has to be. Let's look at this critically. We have Arnold (with the powers of MASK) Vs Michael Bay inspired Transformers ripoffs. It's not even trying to be subtle, if this is really supposed to be made... words fail

AHHHHHHHHHH

God, good god in heaven they did it. I had thought it was a joke, no seriously, I never expected them to actually make it.

I am of course talking about Smurfs, the movie, in 3D no less...

This is so wrong I want to throw up

Come along Benton...

Almost six years ago now I was almost ran over by Boris Johnson as he rode his bike down a london road. This has absolutely nothing to do with story I'm about to tell, other than it happened while I was standing in a cue. This cue was to get into a collectors shop where three Doctor Who companions were signing autographs.

Long before NuWho made it popular I could be found digging though second hand videos looking for old releases of Classic Who adventures. Once every so often I'd come across one and revel in what I had unearthed, with great difficulty and effort I had a smattering of stories I could enjoy. I couldn't pass up the chance to meet at least one companion, three at once was just too great for words.

After standing in line for almost an hour I realised I hadn't a clue what to say or do. I didn't even have anything for the to sign! Quickly casting about I saw a ridiculously overpriced envelope, five minutes later I was standing before one of my heroes; Nicholas Courtney, otherwise known as the Brigadier.

Since that meeting I've heard several interviews and commentaries by the man and every time I have my respect for him has grown. He enjoyed the character and the place it played in British Pop culture, was always ready to talk with fans and both in and out of character always a gentleman. It was always obvious that he had tremendous fun with his work and unlike many actors in Science fiction perfectly comfortable with it being his defining role.

It is with great sadness I write this as, yesterday, Tuesday 22 February, 2011. He passed away. Goodbye sir, if there's any room up there I'll buy you a pint in a good few years...

Nicholas Courteny

1929 - 2011

The death of Star Trek

I would like to, if I may, give an aside to the Vulcan rambling rant I've still to finish. A few months ago I was writing a fan fiction story and, inspired by the Asimov book I was reading at the time, predicted the fall of the Federation.
Another writer read my little aside and it sparked their imagine. To be honest it did the same to me. I've recently started to re-watch some of my old Star Trek DVD's and it's becoming more and more obvious to me that the Federation is teetering on the very brink of disaster.
I'm going to present several arguments that show that while their ideals might be pure the Federation has a lot of difficulty living up to them.

My first evidence comes from two very different episodes. ST:ING's The Measure Of A Man and ST:VOY's Author, Author. Both episodes deal with the lawful rights of two artificial lifeforms. In The Measure of a Man Data is forced to fight the legal ruling that he is the property of Starfleet, in effect a slave. While in Author, Author the holographic Doctor has to fight for the rights of another lifeform. The point being that while we can, in the Doctor's case with some difficulty, accept them socially legal rights have to be spelt out.
I bring this up for two reasons, first is that even with about twelve to fourteen years between the two episodes it is obvious that the Federation legal system didn't have the foresight to use Data's case as a precedent, in fact they do the opposite! Rather than the sensible thing of assume they have rights until its proven they don't (otherwise known as innocent until proven guilty) they dismiss whatever possible rights may exist out of hand. The second reason is even worse; In Author, Author we are provided a glimpse into what might have been Data's fate had he lost his battle. The Doctor's fellow programs were downgraded from medical practitioners to miners on harsh and lifeless asteroids, where other lifeforms would not survive. In other words, slaves.
The Federation is in effect using it's advanced technology to build a slave race. I can't think that anything goes against it's ideas of personal freedom and discovery more.

Next is Star Trek Insurrection. While a total cluster-fuck of a bad film it also signals another step on the Federations path to damnation. While the Dominion War was being fought several clandestine projects happened to be given the go ahead. Section 31's bio warfare for example. The Sonar project in the Briar Patch was another. After it was discovered that environmental conditions in the nebular had vast healing abilities certain members of the Federation council decided to harvest those conditions. As well as being bullshit there was one slight problem; the indigenous inhabitants, but as they were a colony and not a pre warp civilisation the Federation didn't have any laws against moving them.
This is so blatantly wrong it's not true. As soon as you believe your rights are more important than someone else's you are in the wrong, if you believe your privileges are more important you're a villain and if you think you're wants are more important you are a monster. Justifications be damned, if you want to boot a civilisation off a planet where they lived for centuries because you want to live a little bit longer you are a monster. That it was done by a handful of self serving Federation officers is beyond stupidity and goes against the sprit of the Laws of the Federation by twisting the letter. (Prime Directive anyone)

Third is the composition of the Fleet, including the introduction of military vessels.
Starfleet was always an expedition force first, a scientific second and then way behind that armed to only protect themselves. They spent a lot of time developing shield technologies and targeting systems, hoping to disable enemy ships rather than destroy. As they began exploring further and further they built bigger ships, that were more and more self reliant. Giving them greater range and versatility.
ST:TNG's Galaxy class is immense, with whole decks given over to entertainment and leisure as well as hydroponic labs, stellar observatories and even a god damn zoo! The Enterprise D is more of a flying town than a spaceship. Meanwhile Voyager should be a better ship, after all it is more modern with advanced computers and was launched about three weeks before it was catapulted into the Delta Quadrant. It was top of the range. Now first of all anyone with a ounce of creativity would have used an Excelsior class, outdated and about to be decommissioned (and for good reason) on one last mission that is far longer that anyone expected.
Enough bashing on Voyager, the point is the newer ship is a lot smaller. It doesn't even have a navigation room when it's launched. Rather than build bigger and more generalised ships Starfleet starts building dedicated vessels that are limited to one duty. I'm not sure what Voyager was designed for but it shows a very limited out look from the designers. This lack of versatility is a problem, made even worse as time passes. The lack of size is another problem, it is often a sign that resources are dwindling. Smaller ships might be more energy efficient but why is that needed, unless dilithium is becoming an issue? If it is that's a problem.
Also the introduction of dedicated warships could provide a problem. More than once (DS9's Paradise Lost and Star Trek IV to name but two examples) a military coup almost succeeded within the Federation. With actual military ships who knows what could happen. Also please note that with multifunctional ships the Federation has won every war it's gotten involved in. With warships who knows what they could do and just how long until other races get worried that the "weak and soft" Federation is finally showing it's teeth?
And if resources are dwindling how long until the Federation needs to expand to survive?

Next problem focuses on a little issue raised in the ST:TNG episode Relics. Scotty, after being rescued from a crashed ship's transporter buffer, reveals something. While LaForge follows the guidance manual that Scotty wrote Scotty didn't put all his information on paper.
This is a little thing at first, and a good joke. The problem is why hasn't anyone else figured that out. The best of the best, LaForge, hasn't expanded on the instruction manual. Instead he slavishly followed it. If Scotty hadn't told him he would never have thought of it. In another generation or so that knowledge will be lost forever.
Even worse; LaForge admits that Impulse engine design hasn't changed for more than a hundred years and that a fifty year old transport could out manoeuvre the pride of the Federation!
This is a deviating admission. The propulsion systems in a starship is one of the most important things. They're still using Warp Drive and reaching the outer edge of that technologies useful output. The whole basis of Federation transport technology is obsolete, they can't expand any further without a massive leap in faster than light travel. Transwarp or quantum slipstream are both solutions that Voyager proposed, however both fail. Federation ships are too weak to survive that technology.

There are more, however they don't matter. I trust I've made my point. Now I'm willing to chalk all this up to bad writing, really bad writing, but the problem is what that adds up to. The Federation is rotting, while it's still successful in diplomacy, science and even war it won't last. Sooner or later it's going to have to collapse.

This would make a great film, the end of the Federation we could follow a Captain who idolised the Kirk and Picard, dreaming of a long gone golden age as his ideals collapse around him. Ending with a Star Base on fire, just like Rome and the fall of their empire. The final symbolic destruction of a dream. That's something I would pay to see.

It's not like I'm the first one to see it, Like I said this came from a discussion I had with a fellow writer, but much more importantly Roddenberry saw it too. That was the point of Andromeda. Imagine what would happen if we actually had the background we cared about. More than forty years of the show destroyed in a way that celebrated it.

Think about that

Thomas

The A-Team Movie

Okay, I admit it.
This is one film I've wanted to see for awhile. The A-Team is one of those iconic 80s shows everyone makes fun of but love. We know all the jokes; impossible plans, cliché lines, an impossible amount of firepower and no one being hurt. The list goes on, the show was a slice of the 80s with all the stupid that entails.

So, when they decided to do a film we knew they were trying to cash in on the tail end of the nostalgia for the era. And you know what they did a good job. Sure as a film it was a failure, the plot was predictable, film work mediocre, editing kind of crude and the acting wasn't going to win any oscars. But that's not the point of this film. It's a love letter to the show.

There isn't a single scene that isn't loaded with in jokes and over the top silliness. It fires of almost as much as Airplane and while it might not appeal to all I guarantee there is at least one that will have you laughing. A good example is Murdock's escape; we start with a skit on the 3d movie craze were in the middle of at the moment, only this time they use the two tone glasses rather than the stereo-scopic we have now, the film uses the classic A-Team theme and two of the actors are Reginald Barclay and G.F. Starbuck. Two other roles played by the main actors. Then, as if to rub our noses in it, the escape hum-vee is driven through the wall and they race to a waiting transport.

The film just doesn't stop throwing things at you. From the impossible (and I mean impossible) helicopter chase at the beginning, past the high speed truck hijacking and through the transport being shot down and the mid-air drop of a tank in the middle of a dogfight. To the raid on a office building and, finally, the sinking of a tanker by a psycho with a rocket launcher. If ever the description of a roller coaster ride was more apt it was probably just a guy recording an actual ride!

As for the actors, Liam Neeson is a fantastic Hannibal, perfectly channeling Peppard. Bradley Cooper, on the other hand, makes the role his own. Dirk Benedict was good but I could argue Cooper does a better job, at least he does a better job with the accents he has to pull off.You can buy that he's supposed to be a master of disguise. Unfortunately the other two aren't in the same league. Quinton Jackson is an even worse actor than Mr T and never quite sells the role, it isn't even a bad impression of the character. It just falls flat. Meanwhile Sharlto Copley makes Murdock looks like an actor, pretending to be insane. Dwight Shultz was able to walk the razor edge between parody and genuinely insane with his portrail.

The villains were impossibly one dimensional, over the top, pantomime characters that were so predictable it wasn't true. Any crude attempt to engineer a twist was so predictable it was pathetic. Whatever character development they attempted, whoever it was, failed incredibly badly and just to round it off the Jessica Biel's character was so under developed I almost expected her to get shot before the end. Then again that would have shown a sign of intelligence, other than "Weee, bang! pretty fireworks!"

Still, for all it's flaws it is a fun film, and that's something to enjoy. It's not trying to make some dull moral message like Avatar or be a over drawn confusing mess like the matrix films. It doesn't even try to expand your horizons like Inception. It just tries to be a fun popcorn movie that has a laugh at everything in sight and succeeds. This is the sort of film Transformers 2 wishes it could be. Entertaining, poking fun at itself and pulling it off with style. While most summer block busters are becoming overly arty and pretentious. It leans agains the corner if the room with a half burnt cigar in its mouth and a baseball cap on at an angle.

I suggest watching it if you can, because it's bad in all the right places. Just like the show was, and that's the best tribute it could have given.

God in fiction

If you will forgive a little indulgence I'm going to examine to recent depictions of God, or God like being, in television. I want to look at how I think it has been done right and been done wrong. These shows are RDM's Battlestar Galactica and Supernatural.

Supernatural was, very quickly, ignored as a fantasy show, cashing in on Buffy fans who missed their gothic demons and monsters. Still it proved to be a lot more than that. Instead it was a very well researched and constructed Victorian biblical horror. However, rather than relegate it to an outdated concept the creators pulled a lot of it into the 21st century.
There's nothing original in that, Doctor Who has, for decades, played the same game. Pulling on characters like the Devil (recently), vampires (that have been around for decades in one form or another) and even Gods (known as the Guardians).

What has made Supernatural interesting is how it treats family. Between them the Winchesters have been through heaven, hell and everything between. They have fought demons, angels, gods, vampires, ghosts and various monsters from across gothic lore. All the while becoming closer and closer. They've betrayed each other, trusted and doubted.

The reason I've gone into all that is to show the challenges. By the fifth year we discover that Armageddon is on the cards and why. The angels have always been preventing the end of the world, but now that god's supposedly left the building they've decided to just let it burn. Bringing forth a final fight between two brothers, Lucifer and Michael to kick start the whole shebang. Choosing the Winchesters as their respective vessels the two angels gear up for the biggest fight in existence. Given that the angel's are described as dicks.

The fight ends, well that's giving too much away. The point is throughout the last episode we get the narrative structure we need. A man, already acknowledged as a prophet, writes the story. At the very end, when the Apocalypse is stopped, he grins, sit's back and vanishes in a puff of smoke.

Now there is still a debate as to if this character was supposed to be God, but I'm going to assume he was. Now His approach was interesting, as he was masquerading as a prophet He saw things that hadn't happened yet. Making Him a valuable asset to the brothers, as He directed them right where he wanted and when. At the end though He sat back and let it happen. We get the impression that He set the board, coached the players and then let them play.

It's an interesting take, the devil is always supposed to be the arch manipulator but here we get the impression that He plays a whole new level of the game. All the time letting people make their own choices. It's interesting, modern and very well thought out.

The problem with God is exactly the same reason for superheroes. It is far easier to create something that stands for our ideals than live up to them. Now if there is a all father creator (and that is a big question all in itself) Supernaturals depiction, of a beginner giving us a start to work from is a good one and far better than the other alternative.

In BSG everything they did was wrong. First of all they began blaming any leap of narrative logic on "the will of the one true God". Things that most of the time we don't really care about because of narrative convenience. Then things stared getting freaky. Rather than the sort of event you can just shrug off things happened that made no reasonable sense. The resurrection of Kara Thrace, the delusions with knowledge of the future, the mysterious song and even the miraculous timing that is littered thought the show. All can be summed up as absolute fucking stupidity. As soon as any god like being starts actively interfering with an issue it moves from belief to fact. When this is done in a science fiction, not fantasy, perspective then motivation must be explored.

But there is one thing more important. Free Will is the most important thing we have. People have fought wars over it, killed, loved, dreamed feared and even dreaded it. The very idea that our actions are our own and that we are responsible for their results is the very corner stone of our culture and social beliefs. To say that god puts his plan above that not only flies against all the classical teachings (which it does) but against our very concept of free will.

Setting the stage is one thing, actively prompting the players is another. You can play the game, MC the event, hell you could even provide the grand prize, but you can't load the dice too. From a moral perspective it is incredibly wrong. From a literary one its worse. Writing "and then God waves a magic wand. Solving the problem" is not only the ultimate in hack writing but it is also the single worst plot development you can come up with. It's trite garbage that was always treated as a running joke in Greek theatre.

When what you're writing was a cliché before Christ was born you redefine the very concept of a hack writer. Supernatural's treatment of God is leagues ahead of the tripe Galactica foisted off on us. Every plot twist regarding Him meant something, even if that twist didn't make sense at first. Ideas that seemed unimportant came back years later as a major development. Seemingly unimportant bits of character development proved to be a vital step in muddying the waters. Casual acquaintances become reoccurring villains or friends. Sometimes both.

Most importantly of all it carries more than just a happy ending. Season 5, while a good ending in itself was also a great launching off point. As all good endings are. There was enough tragedy to make it moving, enough hope to make it uplifting and enough development leading up to it to make you give a damn. Having God hand you the location of a handy home as well as safety from your enemies is not only too neat but had no gravitas. Worst of all it wasn't a reward, it wasn't gained because the Galactica band of misfits earned it. The co-ordinates were given long before they even thought of trying to recover the little girl.

To those of you that praise BSG I implore you look again, look at the crap they tried to foist off on you and realise just how stupid that show really was.

The lost of Caprica YAY!

Ohh I feel vindicated

Now I've deliberately avoided everything I came across with Caprica. I have an intense hatred of RDM's Battlestar Galactica, seriously I loath it with every fibre of my being.
I saw the pilot episode of Caprica and almost went in to a psychotic rage, everything I hated in the show was twisted into something worse. The religious terrorism angle has gotten old, very fast. The massive leaps in convenience and contrivance, leaving plot holes in their wake, have gotten worse. Then there's the angst, oh god the angst. Every character seems to be riddled with angst, and rather than learning from their mistakes and growing, as anyone else would, we still have the hollow soap opera style that drove me batty before.
When you watch a soap opera you know, just know that certain characters will never learn form their actions, never grow and develop and never, ever, think. It is what's known as an "idiot plot" where people make idiot decisions simply to move the emotional plot along. Even if it goes against their character and personality.
In short I can pick this show apart for hours at a time. On any signal subject; from the Cylons (their plan sucks, makes no sense on retrospect and the end goal is apposed to the results they achieve when it works), the Galactica's crew (do they even a gram of sense between them?), the god storyline (urm, why? Seriously I'd love to go toe to toe with the writers on this one), the whole mess with the Final Five (oh the plot holes they had to paste over with clumsy retcons made the whole story look like one big bandage) and every other part of this insult to intelligence.
Caprica is worse, every level seamed to be tailor made for people who didn't like BSG to loath even more. Heck even some of the most obsessive BSG fans hated the show, and the clumsy characters to the point that by the end a three episode marathon to wrap the show up brought in less than a million viewers.
Less than a million, I want anyone reading this to realise that. Less than a million people watched this. Even more people watched the end of Galactica 1980, look it up!
Ahh well, I'll probably get it on DVD sooner or later if only to feel righteous rage at the incompetence.

This does, however, mean have a problem. Syfy has now cancelled two of it's flagship programs very recently. We've also lost Stargate completely, with the proposed Atlantis movie cancelled and very little on the horizon. Only a crappy remake of Being Human on the cards. While the UK is still experiencing a massive sci-fi renaissance the US seems to be ignoring it. Heck even the channel supposedly devoted to science fiction is trying to distance itself from the concept.

Thank god for Doctor Who.