Transformers 3 again

I am painfully aware that my last ramble made about as much sense as replying "monkey's are funny" to the question of "how meny fingers am I holding up?"

It had been a long day and I wasn't thinking straight, or beyond "Hate Hate, Kill Kill now please!"

Allow me to expand:-

I think the casting of Rosie whatever in Transformers 3 Dark of The Moon is the thing I am most dreading. I was not, in any way, inspired with confidence when I first heard she got the part because she was a Victoria secret model and turned up for the audition in her underwear. After seeing the promotional images and the couple of clips that have found their way onto the internet I just want this film to go away.

I didn't think it was going to be possible for Bay to find a worse actress than Fox, but he did.

I'd like to believe that I was a sensible young man, with the right priorities. If not necessarily in the right order, but I find both this blow up doll and the vacuous piece of wood that was Fox two of the most repulsive creatures on the planet.

Having to watch these two attempt to act is on par with having my wisdom teeth removed through my nose. While Fox wasn't given much to do but stand there and scream "SAM!" really loud and from the looks of things that's this girls job description too that's not a good thing.

It saves us from the painful acting, but sets the women empowerment movement back about two hundred years. For craps sake, hitting them with a frying pan would be an improvement.

Hell there was an episode of the original Transformers with Carly on Cybertron. She had her car disintegrated beneath her and then busted her ankle trying to run away. That version was more empowered. Hell, while Spike (read Sam) had to carry her a lot of the way it was her computer kills that was able to hack their way through the door.

When a cartoon from the 1980's, especially one that had episodes like The Girl who Loved Powerglide, treated women better than these films seem to, oh boy.

Now let me be clear I'm still about 12 hours away from seeing this turkey, and I'm actually trying to talk myself into it. Does that explain how I feel? I'm one of the biggest Transformers fans you're likely to meet and I'm so disillusioned by the trailers and spoilers I'm about ready to wash my hands of the whole thing. Not even the positive early reviews can convince me 100 percent.

I don't want to go into a film doubting if I'm going to like it. I'll take a risk on a DVD, when I can hit the pause button and take a break but the commitment behind a film in the cinema is a bit too much. Where I live its a fifteen min journey to the nearest theater, by bus. Then there's the time invested watching it (two and a half hours), getting back. It's a whole afternoon, an afternoon where I can't write, read or do anything else but sit in a darkened room watching an oversized TV.

To continue my sob story, there's no one to watch it with. If I'm going to do this I want to be sure I'm going to enjoy it. I don't want to come out of the cinema grumbling. The last film made me delusional to the point where I imagined there was something positive. I accepted that, just so I would go to see a film again.

So what positives are there. Leonard Nimoy. He's back in Transformers, this is a good thing. From what I've heard though... it's a cameo. Ugh. The backing cast are excellent, and are under used. How do I know they are under used? BECAUSE THIS IS A FILM ABOUT ROBOTS FIGHTING. They're not the stars of this film, they are cameos. Thats it. If they're not cameos then this isn't Transformers is it. Much like the last two the focus is on the humans, not the bloody robots we want to see. We've paid to see robots fighting, not humans.

I can just tell all the time is going to be spent on this guest cast, rather than establishing the Transformers. This is the third film, and new Transformers on both sides with no establishing facts.

I can take any of the positive points and show them to be crap, and I haven't even seen the film. This is bad. Extraordinarily bad people.

Forget it. I will catch this on DVD, but unless I hear a glowing review I can respect forget it.

Transformers 3. The warning signs.

Looking back on it I was incredibly kind to the second Transformers movie. It really was one of the worse films I've ever seen, I have over used the skip function on the DVD and it's just empty, soulless and pathetic

There is no hiding the fact that Transformers exist solely to sell toys, but the reason it's survived for so long and well loved by hard core fans like myself is the depth of work gone into it. Look at how well written Beast Wars and Animated was. A good group of writers can really access the potential Transformers has. Aliens, wars that have lasted millions of years, sacrifices, struggles, morality, the list is endless.

One of the more interesting points had always been, however stereotyped, everyone of the transformers, Autobots and Decepticons, had their own characters. The cowardly Starscream, the heroic Optimus, the overconfident Powerglide, the arrogant Skylynx, eminently logical Shockwave, monotone Soundwave, the list goes on. The point of that is everyone has their own favorites, every transformer looks and behaves differently.

The reason I mentioned those two important points is that is what people like about Transformers. Yes there's the whole giant robots beating the crap out of each other, but under that is the diversity and scale of this war.

On paper Bay should be the perfect person for this. His utter lack of subtly, over reliance on clichéd characters and love of really big explosions is exactly what is needed. And that's why these films haven't worked. Look at Kenneth Branagh as the director of Thor. Would you have expected that to work as well as it did? How about Simon Pegg's scene stealing performance as Scotty, the best thing about that movie, never would have called it. Peter Jackson's biggest film before LOTR was the Frighteners and Bad Taste. Breaking expectations like this has proven to be a good idea. It shows how someone can look deeper and produce something others wouldn't necessarily see.

This is why Bay is precisely the wrong person for these films, he churns this sort of film out in his sleep. It's like hiring Roland Emmerich to do another disaster movie or Shyamalan to do an episode of the twilight zone. There's nothing new they're going to bring to the table, just churn out the same old crap in a different wrapper.

Having this guy do the third one is rubbing salt on an old wound. What's worse is, reading rumours and spoilers show that he hasn't learnt anything. Even when he knows the second film failed on every level he misses why. Sure the Twins were bad, but so were the parents, and it was only after massive fan backlash that he backtracked on the whole Leo Spitz character and canned him.

Still there is one thing that really sets off alarm bells, the romantic interest. Megan Fox's Mikaela Banes was horrendous. She can't act for spit, the character was ignorant to the point of idiocy and was there simply as eye candy for horny teenagers. There was absolutely zero chemistry between her and Sam and just felt like a love interest shoe horned in for the sake of it. No secret there, but Fox has gone.

Leaving us with Carly, played by, god help us, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. I did not think it was possible to cast someone worse than Fox, all we've seen is the trailer and it hurts. Physically painful. All we see is her in expensive and revealing dresses that aren't even close to practical.

She is going to destroy this film. and after everything we know that really worries me.

Warzone Poster,

Hot Rod again, from a better angle.

Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen

I've seen Transformers 2. Of course I have, I'm a transformers geek and believe it or not I was looking forward to this even more than Star Trek.

So that was disappointing

Let's do a quick list of the bad and the good:- so first the extraordinary bad

Mudflap and Skidz:- these two should have been killed off. Painfully and preferably by been eaten by Sharkticons. They were racist, irritating

and if you want twin brothers go back to the original and resurrect Sideswipe & Sunstreaker. They had personalities rather than a hodgepodge of bad ideas.

The Mother:- The most stupid human on the planet, she makes Paris Hilton jokes look tame. I was so embarrassed to be in the cinema I actually put my fingers in my ears and hummed. Can she please die between this and the next film.

Generic Cybertronians:- One of the key points of Transformers was that everyone had a character no matter how lose. They were individuals and everyone had their favourite, so why is there's about a thousand generic Deceptions in the final battle, other than to explode.

Too many people:- What characters we do have don't go anywhere. We get one or two lines and then jump back to the pointless "Comedy" that drives you to boredom and disgust.

Megatron:- Megatron is EVIL, he is no ones puppet and will ruthlessly crush anyone. Making him The Fallen's apprentice castrates the guy. In one fell swoop he goes from being the greatest threat ever to a slight annoyance fawning over the chief bad guy... speaking of

The Fallen:- No, The Fallen is not the Liege Maximo okay? He's The Fallen, one of the thirteen original Transformers who was created to guard against entropy but betrayed his God-creator in favour of worshipping chaos. See a interesting character. The Maximo was a big fat slug that sat around plotting. In this we've got some sort of mix, pick one.

Now the Good:-

The fights were interesting. Sort of. What we could make out

While I could go on about how annoyed I was by the so-called comedy relief or how I could survive the gaping plot holes I've got another problem that I want to address in more detail.

Megan Fox.

Now a lot of reviews are saying the film might be bad but at least there's some good visuals. The CGI and this woman come at the top of the list. Yes she looks nice, but she can't act for spit. For the whole film she's set decoration so that people my age, that really should know better, can drool over her.

Being able to look "interesting" while contorting over a motorcycle doesn't make you sexy. The problem is this woman will end up with a handful of Sexiest Women awards. I'm probably weird but I find her about as attractive as road kill. All the lingering shots and robots humping her leg just advertise that she's a sex object. Women aren't objects, how many years is it going to take to beat that into Hollywood producers and hack directors. By making them vapid twits that are attracted to losers and prats they are glamorising willful stupidity. It's annoying.

In summery Transformers 2 is not for Transformers fans, or good taste. It's a popcorn movie designed to waste brain cells. avoid if you can. That or find a petition to STOP MICHAEL BAY directing the next one.

Transformers 1986 movie

With the second live action Transformers film on coming I think is time for a couple of reviews. Here's the first. The 1986 Transformers G-1 movie.

Now, sadly, overshadowed by the massive, big box office, live action film the 80's movie is still better. Not just because it had wall to wall Transformers, or the fact that it went as afar as to introduce Unicron (The god of darkness). It's not the fact that within the first twenty minutes we basically have the Transformers version of the Somme, with the Decepticons raiding the Autobot City with shock tactics and really heavy explosives.

It's because Optimus Prime dies. He doesn't die of old age or from some epic sacrifice to save others. It's just a bloody great battle in which both he and Megatron both lose. In the battle the two of them throw their guns away and start hammering each other with fists and pieces of the shattered landscape. Finishing with an epic final blow and the heroic leader dying later of his wounds.

Megatron, as I said , has also lost. Or more accurately has been beaten to an inch of his life. Megatron is jettisoned by the ever traitorous Starscream and floats his way into Unicron's orbit. Now Unicron is a giant living planet that eats other worlds and is headed for the transformers home world. Voiced by Orson Wells Unicron is both awesome and menacing. He is concerned with the Autobot Matrix of leadership (a plot macguffin, deal with it) and rebuilds Megatron as the super-powerful Galvatron. The new Decepticon leader takes his new army of Cyclonus and the Sweeps to Cybertron ahead of Unicron. Where he kills Starscream and takes command of the surviving Decepticons.

The upshot of this is all our favourite characters are dead. Ostensibly to sell new toys but in the end its' killing off our childhood heroes and villains. We've lost just about everyone we have come to know over the last two years. Still that's not the end of the movie. It's just the first half hour! After the Decepticons chase the Autobots across the galaxy and back they finally get back to Cybertron where we find Unicron can transform into a giant robot. Following his instincts Hot Rod tracks down the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. Which Galvatron has  stolen from Prime's successor, Ultra Magnus. Unfortunately Galvatron is inside Unicron, so the big showdown ends inside the Titan. The story ends with Rot Rod taking the Matrix back form the Decepticon and opening it. Unleashing the one force that can kill Unicron and becoming the new Autobot's true leader; Rodimus Prime.

There's a lot more to it but you get the gist. As the story develops so do the new characters:- Galvatron becomes more and more powerful and mentally unstable, Ultra "I cant deal with that now" Magnus proves that no matter how good a soldier you can be a good leader needs more and Hot Rod/Rodimus Prime changes from a cocksure young man to a responsible leader of men. They grow up and learn something along the way.

So that's why I think this is a better movie. It's got the Autobots in it, opposed to cameo roles. They grow and change with the story. Become people we can relate to, even though they are robot aliens fighting planet sized robots with glowing balls of crystal. 

My big problem with the new film is that we spend far too much time following the human kid around. You don't like him, I can't find a single thing about LaBeouf's character that is endearing. The point of the human character is to give us a window into the Autobot's world, they explain things to him and we all learn what's happening. Instead of being this useful little plot device he's selling his family heirlooms for a chance to attract some bubble headed young woman he knows nothing about. That's his motivation, fantastic.

 

In this film we have exactly what we wanted. Giant robots beating the bolts out of each other and then we have a twist where the good guys can die. The result is exciting, fun, terrifying, soul destroying and a lot more fulfilling than the 2007 film. It's also a lot more adult in content, it deals with death on a serious level as well as sacrifice and why war is both horrible and, at times, necessary. 

Considering it's an 80's cartoon film made to sell toys that's saying something.

Now this is what the internet is for

Those of you who read this (there has to be one of you, somewhere... you at the back, no the toilets are to the left) and know me know that I'm a big fan of Transformers. I've written enough fanfiction about them at least.

Anyway a few years ago they announced a then new show. Transformers Animated. I saw the designs and along with a lot of people wondered what the hell had happened? These cubist nightmares were a hop skip and a jump from being the sort of thing you found scrawled on the back of a beer mat by an art student as a joke. Then I saw the toys (I would call them collectables, but they just weren't). While show accurate they were blocky, silly and so crammed with gimmicks it wasn't true.

Now in an earlier post I've praised the Animated legends figure of Bumblebee. He's fantastic and sits next to his G-1 counterpart blu-tacked to the top of my computer (the guitar I made it out of toothpicks is a bit bent but never mind). I love the little guy, I hope it shows. You see I looked deeper, beneath the gimmicks.

That is why I think Transformers Animated, as a show, is perhaps the best Transformers since Beast Wars. It knows exactly what it's doing and what other shows did wrong. First of all it has a set cast, the small team each have a chance to develop and a rich back story. It has far reaching implications, the actions of these few are pivotal  and seem to have effects all over the galaxy. There's humour, drama and real empathy with the characters, even the Decepticons and other bad guys out there.

This not only trumps the rampantly disappointing "Unicron Trilogy" but the breed of serious dramas like; The Wire, Heroes, the RDM Battlestar Galactica and Lost whose convoluted plots have gotten lost in a sea of undeveloped cameo roles and indecipherable arc plots.

This revelation forced me to look again at the animation. Now I've done my own bit of animation, not very good and I'll be posting some here as soon as I can. I know first hand the hardest thing is not what you would first think. The real difficulty is consistency. The animation has to be constant, in such you develop a style. A way of doing it that works for you. That style that becomes recognisable. While I don't think I'll ever be sold on the animated toys (outside of the legends line) I now think the unique design of Animated is one of it's best selling points. 

It's true beauty comes form the fact I can use like phrases like Cubist and Impressionist. I can analyse it as an art and design student and find something in it a lot deeper than the attempted realism of the 1980's cartoons like GI-Joe and it's stable mates. 

If you haven't seen any of Animated get out there and see it however you can. It is frankly stunning.

Legend figures

Hello there

Just out and about I found a selection of transformers legend figures. After a few internal debates I decided to pick up Animated Bumblebee. As a fan of the original I thought a transformer the same size as the G-1 classic that sits on my Apple would be a idea. 

I'd heard a lot of good things about the Legend Figures and I have to say from this one alone I agree with every one of them. Cheap, fun and fantastic detail this little collection is going to grow!