Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen

I've seen Transformers 2. Of course I have, I'm a transformers geek and believe it or not I was looking forward to this even more than Star Trek.

So that was disappointing

Let's do a quick list of the bad and the good:- so first the extraordinary bad

Mudflap and Skidz:- these two should have been killed off. Painfully and preferably by been eaten by Sharkticons. They were racist, irritating

and if you want twin brothers go back to the original and resurrect Sideswipe & Sunstreaker. They had personalities rather than a hodgepodge of bad ideas.

The Mother:- The most stupid human on the planet, she makes Paris Hilton jokes look tame. I was so embarrassed to be in the cinema I actually put my fingers in my ears and hummed. Can she please die between this and the next film.

Generic Cybertronians:- One of the key points of Transformers was that everyone had a character no matter how lose. They were individuals and everyone had their favourite, so why is there's about a thousand generic Deceptions in the final battle, other than to explode.

Too many people:- What characters we do have don't go anywhere. We get one or two lines and then jump back to the pointless "Comedy" that drives you to boredom and disgust.

Megatron:- Megatron is EVIL, he is no ones puppet and will ruthlessly crush anyone. Making him The Fallen's apprentice castrates the guy. In one fell swoop he goes from being the greatest threat ever to a slight annoyance fawning over the chief bad guy... speaking of

The Fallen:- No, The Fallen is not the Liege Maximo okay? He's The Fallen, one of the thirteen original Transformers who was created to guard against entropy but betrayed his God-creator in favour of worshipping chaos. See a interesting character. The Maximo was a big fat slug that sat around plotting. In this we've got some sort of mix, pick one.

Now the Good:-

The fights were interesting. Sort of. What we could make out

While I could go on about how annoyed I was by the so-called comedy relief or how I could survive the gaping plot holes I've got another problem that I want to address in more detail.

Megan Fox.

Now a lot of reviews are saying the film might be bad but at least there's some good visuals. The CGI and this woman come at the top of the list. Yes she looks nice, but she can't act for spit. For the whole film she's set decoration so that people my age, that really should know better, can drool over her.

Being able to look "interesting" while contorting over a motorcycle doesn't make you sexy. The problem is this woman will end up with a handful of Sexiest Women awards. I'm probably weird but I find her about as attractive as road kill. All the lingering shots and robots humping her leg just advertise that she's a sex object. Women aren't objects, how many years is it going to take to beat that into Hollywood producers and hack directors. By making them vapid twits that are attracted to losers and prats they are glamorising willful stupidity. It's annoying.

In summery Transformers 2 is not for Transformers fans, or good taste. It's a popcorn movie designed to waste brain cells. avoid if you can. That or find a petition to STOP MICHAEL BAY directing the next one.

A great loss

David Eddings, perhaps one of the best fantasy writers of all time, sadly died on Tuesday and I just have to post something about this great man. Eddings was one of the very few writers I would have liked to meet in person. Even though its over used the word genius fitted him well and he seemed to keep his head. Eddings crafted his work with care and attention that out shines all his contemporaries. He knew exactly where the line was, how not to cross it and still make the story believable. Even though his work was strong fantasy, with Gods and Demons around every possible corner, his craft in characters and plot kept the reader grounded.

It's hard to describe exactly how big an impact this author had on popular fiction let alone me. There was a time when no matter where I went I could just pull out one of his books and jump into it. Their battered and dog eared pages lived in my coat's pockets for years and I still dive in once in a while, amazed at how he pulled plot threads together and kept it simple all the way though. 

There isn't anything more to say, well actually there's a lot but as with all great people you can never cover it all. Goodbye David Eddings, and commiseration's to his family 

Transformers 1986 movie

With the second live action Transformers film on coming I think is time for a couple of reviews. Here's the first. The 1986 Transformers G-1 movie.

Now, sadly, overshadowed by the massive, big box office, live action film the 80's movie is still better. Not just because it had wall to wall Transformers, or the fact that it went as afar as to introduce Unicron (The god of darkness). It's not the fact that within the first twenty minutes we basically have the Transformers version of the Somme, with the Decepticons raiding the Autobot City with shock tactics and really heavy explosives.

It's because Optimus Prime dies. He doesn't die of old age or from some epic sacrifice to save others. It's just a bloody great battle in which both he and Megatron both lose. In the battle the two of them throw their guns away and start hammering each other with fists and pieces of the shattered landscape. Finishing with an epic final blow and the heroic leader dying later of his wounds.

Megatron, as I said , has also lost. Or more accurately has been beaten to an inch of his life. Megatron is jettisoned by the ever traitorous Starscream and floats his way into Unicron's orbit. Now Unicron is a giant living planet that eats other worlds and is headed for the transformers home world. Voiced by Orson Wells Unicron is both awesome and menacing. He is concerned with the Autobot Matrix of leadership (a plot macguffin, deal with it) and rebuilds Megatron as the super-powerful Galvatron. The new Decepticon leader takes his new army of Cyclonus and the Sweeps to Cybertron ahead of Unicron. Where he kills Starscream and takes command of the surviving Decepticons.

The upshot of this is all our favourite characters are dead. Ostensibly to sell new toys but in the end its' killing off our childhood heroes and villains. We've lost just about everyone we have come to know over the last two years. Still that's not the end of the movie. It's just the first half hour! After the Decepticons chase the Autobots across the galaxy and back they finally get back to Cybertron where we find Unicron can transform into a giant robot. Following his instincts Hot Rod tracks down the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. Which Galvatron has  stolen from Prime's successor, Ultra Magnus. Unfortunately Galvatron is inside Unicron, so the big showdown ends inside the Titan. The story ends with Rot Rod taking the Matrix back form the Decepticon and opening it. Unleashing the one force that can kill Unicron and becoming the new Autobot's true leader; Rodimus Prime.

There's a lot more to it but you get the gist. As the story develops so do the new characters:- Galvatron becomes more and more powerful and mentally unstable, Ultra "I cant deal with that now" Magnus proves that no matter how good a soldier you can be a good leader needs more and Hot Rod/Rodimus Prime changes from a cocksure young man to a responsible leader of men. They grow up and learn something along the way.

So that's why I think this is a better movie. It's got the Autobots in it, opposed to cameo roles. They grow and change with the story. Become people we can relate to, even though they are robot aliens fighting planet sized robots with glowing balls of crystal. 

My big problem with the new film is that we spend far too much time following the human kid around. You don't like him, I can't find a single thing about LaBeouf's character that is endearing. The point of the human character is to give us a window into the Autobot's world, they explain things to him and we all learn what's happening. Instead of being this useful little plot device he's selling his family heirlooms for a chance to attract some bubble headed young woman he knows nothing about. That's his motivation, fantastic.

 

In this film we have exactly what we wanted. Giant robots beating the bolts out of each other and then we have a twist where the good guys can die. The result is exciting, fun, terrifying, soul destroying and a lot more fulfilling than the 2007 film. It's also a lot more adult in content, it deals with death on a serious level as well as sacrifice and why war is both horrible and, at times, necessary. 

Considering it's an 80's cartoon film made to sell toys that's saying something.

Who was that Pointy Eared Bastard

I, like most of the civilised world, have seen the new Star Trek film and despite a sense of nostalgia for the classic and next gen crews I have to admit it was one of the best Star Trek films made. Ranking right up there with Wraith of Khan and First Contact. It is THAT good, in spite of its flaws.

One flaw is the Vulcans.

Back in the original Star Trek they were confident, logical people quite above petty emotions. Spock would endure one of McCoy's semi-racist rants with a cool look and then puncture the doctors ego with a witticism so sharp it could have been found on a page by Oscar Wilde. It wasn't that he didn't have a sense of humour, he just knew how to use it. Then, slowly, we met other Vulcans and could see just how unusual that was for them. many wouldn't even bother with the wit and just ignore the jibe. It showed Spock wasn't really the emotionless being he was supposed to be and gave him and the whole race a depth.

Over the years though that changed. No longer a coldly logical people the Vulcans became arrogant, even going so far as to sneer down on humanity. Just the odd Vulcan at first then more. Like an older brother laughing at the baby trying to tie his shoes for the first time.

Vulcans were once one of the most fascinating, well rounded and liked alien races out there. Now they just feel like a bunch of spoilt kids. Bullies that are as racist and cruel as the darkest days of the British empire, or the American 1960's. The very thing they were a rebellion against.

Turns out revolutions really do go full circle!

Now this is what the internet is for

Those of you who read this (there has to be one of you, somewhere... you at the back, no the toilets are to the left) and know me know that I'm a big fan of Transformers. I've written enough fanfiction about them at least.

Anyway a few years ago they announced a then new show. Transformers Animated. I saw the designs and along with a lot of people wondered what the hell had happened? These cubist nightmares were a hop skip and a jump from being the sort of thing you found scrawled on the back of a beer mat by an art student as a joke. Then I saw the toys (I would call them collectables, but they just weren't). While show accurate they were blocky, silly and so crammed with gimmicks it wasn't true.

Now in an earlier post I've praised the Animated legends figure of Bumblebee. He's fantastic and sits next to his G-1 counterpart blu-tacked to the top of my computer (the guitar I made it out of toothpicks is a bit bent but never mind). I love the little guy, I hope it shows. You see I looked deeper, beneath the gimmicks.

That is why I think Transformers Animated, as a show, is perhaps the best Transformers since Beast Wars. It knows exactly what it's doing and what other shows did wrong. First of all it has a set cast, the small team each have a chance to develop and a rich back story. It has far reaching implications, the actions of these few are pivotal  and seem to have effects all over the galaxy. There's humour, drama and real empathy with the characters, even the Decepticons and other bad guys out there.

This not only trumps the rampantly disappointing "Unicron Trilogy" but the breed of serious dramas like; The Wire, Heroes, the RDM Battlestar Galactica and Lost whose convoluted plots have gotten lost in a sea of undeveloped cameo roles and indecipherable arc plots.

This revelation forced me to look again at the animation. Now I've done my own bit of animation, not very good and I'll be posting some here as soon as I can. I know first hand the hardest thing is not what you would first think. The real difficulty is consistency. The animation has to be constant, in such you develop a style. A way of doing it that works for you. That style that becomes recognisable. While I don't think I'll ever be sold on the animated toys (outside of the legends line) I now think the unique design of Animated is one of it's best selling points. 

It's true beauty comes form the fact I can use like phrases like Cubist and Impressionist. I can analyse it as an art and design student and find something in it a lot deeper than the attempted realism of the 1980's cartoons like GI-Joe and it's stable mates. 

If you haven't seen any of Animated get out there and see it however you can. It is frankly stunning.

Work Work Work.

In this age of depression, economic upheaval and two skips from barbarism I am still looking for a job that pays. This is both fun and frustrating, although mostly the latter. The fun is, after searching high and low I can kick back and enjoy the fact I have nothing to do for a few hours.

The frustrating thing is everything costs money and that is something I'm missing. Ahh well back to the grind stone as it were

The cold and empty night.

There is a lyric in one of my favourite songs. "It's a hard load to love you, It takes all my time." The song is Shooting Shark by the Blue Oyster Cult. Well my good news of the week is my hard load is lifted. A hopeless, head over heels kind of love that has burnt my heart hollow for the better part of five years is gone. There's nothing left.

You see I can count on one hand the number of  girls I've been really interested in. Alright, more accurately if you want it; three. I'm not counting fantasy women here, ones you see on TV and think are stunning those are women you paint as perfect because you  don't know them. I'm talking people I've known and have known me. At least I hope they have

None have them have gotten past "Hi I like you". The closest I've got is a peck on the cheek one day after school and a couple of hugs. That's it, in my life. I'll give you a moment to digest that, and yes I am looking for pity. I seldom seem to get even that. 

This is the sort of thing that leads to mass murdering psychopathic tendencies and I need to vent. As no one reads this waste of time I can vent to my hearts content. 

Good moment's over. Now I was under no illusions that the girl I loved gave me a second thought. If she gave me a first one I would be over the moon. While I have spent many sleepless nights composing letters I never sent them. First of all she would think I was stalking her and second I didn't want to spook her.

She knew of course. It's hard not to, I can't hide my feelings. That and I told her. Five years ago she said no and only now can I look back and say to a door, half rusted shut and with the paint flaking off...

Well I don't know what to say. For all these years I've defined myself as the man she turned down. Sometimes trying to improve myself. Other times just trying to find out who I am.

Well this is who I am right now. A lonely, shirtless, young man trying to find his future when the best he has to look forward to is a couple of movies he'd like to see that are out this year. Spouting his thoughts on a blog no one reads.

Somewhere in there is a metaphor for life. I'm sure you can find it if you look hard enough...