The cold and empty night.

There is a lyric in one of my favourite songs. "It's a hard load to love you, It takes all my time." The song is Shooting Shark by the Blue Oyster Cult. Well my good news of the week is my hard load is lifted. A hopeless, head over heels kind of love that has burnt my heart hollow for the better part of five years is gone. There's nothing left.

You see I can count on one hand the number of  girls I've been really interested in. Alright, more accurately if you want it; three. I'm not counting fantasy women here, ones you see on TV and think are stunning those are women you paint as perfect because you  don't know them. I'm talking people I've known and have known me. At least I hope they have

None have them have gotten past "Hi I like you". The closest I've got is a peck on the cheek one day after school and a couple of hugs. That's it, in my life. I'll give you a moment to digest that, and yes I am looking for pity. I seldom seem to get even that. 

This is the sort of thing that leads to mass murdering psychopathic tendencies and I need to vent. As no one reads this waste of time I can vent to my hearts content. 

Good moment's over. Now I was under no illusions that the girl I loved gave me a second thought. If she gave me a first one I would be over the moon. While I have spent many sleepless nights composing letters I never sent them. First of all she would think I was stalking her and second I didn't want to spook her.

She knew of course. It's hard not to, I can't hide my feelings. That and I told her. Five years ago she said no and only now can I look back and say to a door, half rusted shut and with the paint flaking off...

Well I don't know what to say. For all these years I've defined myself as the man she turned down. Sometimes trying to improve myself. Other times just trying to find out who I am.

Well this is who I am right now. A lonely, shirtless, young man trying to find his future when the best he has to look forward to is a couple of movies he'd like to see that are out this year. Spouting his thoughts on a blog no one reads.

Somewhere in there is a metaphor for life. I'm sure you can find it if you look hard enough...